I am different.

Readers, I went to my friend's birthday party tonight.. haven't been to a party since.. umm probably August.
There was a lot of people there, people laughing, talking, and so on.. I felt very, um how can I say it.. a bit awkward being there.
No offense Jonathan I love ya just with the stupid Asperger's it's hard for me, thanks for inviting me.

It have gotten to the point in my life when I am invited (which I'm not invited to a lot of things) that I want to go.. because I was invited and I hardly am.. but it's very difficult.
try to imagine you being at you're friend house, with people you have seen from dances but you have never really spoken with them, and imagine that their not talking with you, but laughing, talking, with their friends.
And you not knowing what to say to them, the whole time I was at the party only one person I did not know came up to me, said "Hi, i'm (name), what's you're name?" a conversation wasn't started, I said my name and that was about it, she went to hang out with her friends after that.

As I was sitting at the table where they were playing the "Question game" I wasn't playing with them, just watching them play the game, I just "couldn't" join in and play it with them.
As I was observing them (As stated in my blog entry about Asperger's "Not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others' body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking.")
I observe people (which kinda like me staring at them)... does it sound creepy?.... sigh yeah I'm weird.

When I observe them, i'm like.. "How can they do that?!" their talking and laughing , laughing and talking, it's crazy at least for me, you my readers probably see it as "normal" and see me as.. "different".. another thing I don't understand, is how can their be a group of friends talking together all at once?, sometimes two people or more talking at once.

I was just standing in the house just observing people.. being a creep, Jonathan came over and told me to go outside and hang out by the fire, I was making my way to the door when he asked some others to join us as well.... all were girls hah.. I turned back and was walking into a room but he came and got me, after spending five minutes or so by the fire I went inside, the girls that came out where talking in their group, the people by the fire who were already there was talking to Jonathan, and me just standing there.

My friend Spencer asked if I wanted to play chess, which was nice because I was just sitting in the living room area, we went into his room and played it, he won the first time, I  won the 2nd time.

I then went back to the party area, most everyone have left so it was a bit easier for me.. why must I be so weird?,  God knows I'll be able to handle Asperger's... but at times I just don't know if I can.

What is normal in my eyes?... normal is being able to interact with you're friends 80% more then I can, being able to be in a group, playing a game, talking, laughing, talking and laughing.. being with that "someone" which whom you have a crush with, I know for sure no one has a crush on me or even think of me in that way, why would they?.. being normal is when you can flirt just for the fun of it and just hang out with the opposite gender , as what I saw tonight at the party.. and not even just tonight, but at dances and so on.
I have only been on two dates in my whole life, and that was when I was 17.. it's not just all about the opposite gender but just wanting to interact 80% more with my friends.  I am grateful for the friends I do have, everytime when I pray I let my Father in Heaven know that I'm thankful for the few friends I do have.

People have told me "You're not like most guys" and have told me I am unique, a part of it I guess is I speak what I mean, I don't speak to be mean to people, and like at efy bout the tissues (You can read that in my post about efy).. but I do wish to be "normal" at times,  I do wish to have that "someone" to hang out with and to talk to, even if I do.. I don't know how  I'll be at it...
Anyways, have a good new beginning of this year.