My Life 20 Years Ago

Today, May 31st is my birthday, I turned 23 years old. lets go back in time 20 years or so, and see how things were for me, from documents we have when my mom was trying to figure out what I had, I was her 3rd child, so she already had some experience raising children and knew something was "different" with me

So here we go, the man the myth... the legend... Michael Sisemore, haha just kidding.

Yes, I used to have blonde hair

In a binder (I was so awesome I had a binder all about myself, my siblings didn't had one, I'm the favorite.)  my mom kept the documents and testings, which we had done for me, she had a section where she kept track of my "Unusual traits and behaviors & development skills" I was 3-4 years old during this time, she was asked to keep track of them from some Doctor in Spokane

 3/21/97, she met the Dr and had a two hour consultation as her notes reads.

I actually have a small memory of one of the other specialists and doctors in the area, I don't remember much about it, but they talked about me (I was pretty popular)


Physical Traits & Motor Skills:

*Bounding gait
*overall delayed fine and gross motor skills
*Can't ride bike, stand on one foot, etc
*Doesn't like drawing or coloring
*Diffuclty with dressing/undressing ie. socks, shoes, zippers, buttons
*Can't poor drinks well
*Clumsy, falls off porch steps and tripes a lot etc..."

Verbal ability:

*Dyspraxic
*Loss of early language skills (from 18-24 months lost language and became very *shy* about attempting speech)
*Usually a very LOUD child

4 years old me (btw, Batman rules)

*Seems to miss some humor which other kids get
*Beginning to see some odd sentence structure ie.. "Ah be" for I don't know. "Where it is"

Behaviors: 
*Always been a Mama's boy. (I'm still am a Mama's boy ;p)
*Likes being carried everywhere (This has diminished mostly because we stopped allowing it)
*Fixation on the color blue (Currently, used to be red) -If I might add in, my favorite color is still blue, I have always remembered  it to be-
*Likes to line up cards, trucks and cars, etc...
*Fascinated with finding *matches*

*Often does repetitive play by pushing a car back and forth in a small area repeatedly
*Sometimes runs his lips up and down my (My mom's) bare arms. Used to lick his hands and arms a lot and tried to do it to others but this seems to have disappeared. - Well yeah, other people tasted weird. hahaha ;p -
*Very uncomfortable and hard to console when we sleep away from home, even when we are with him (does better when we are away but he can be home)
*Obsessiveness with pointing and labeling in books (Richard Scary) this has diminished some

*Chases kids with sticks and bats in an attempt to play (Like come on Jimmy, I wasn't going to hurt you, I promise)
*Overly aggressive in his play, gets *carried away* and can be unknowingly hurtful (Alright.. maybe I lied)
*Gets confused with pretend play, hear complaints "Michael's doing it for real!" when they are play fighting for example
*can be very excitable

Excitable

*Prone to tantrums and frustrations/anger
*Dislike difficult tasks and avoids them
*Easily angered with himself and his *performance*
*Prone to hyperactivity
*Bedtime drink *ritual* needs a drink, but if too much time passes between then and getting in the bed and going to sleep, he HAS to have another one

*Doesn't seem to learn well from mistakes (burns from stove, rushing into traffic etc)
*Constantly grabs toys away from kids (Sorry Jimmy, I want your toy, it's mine now)
*hates his feet being touched and having toenails clipped (becomes almost terrified)
I have this memory, of me running around the house trying to escape my mom, dad and my grandpa because they were trying to cut my toenails. my dad and grandpa literally had to hold me down. it was torture... tears where shed.
*seems to learn, then forget skills, like names of colors, words, etc. although this seems to be diminishing
*Does lots of spitting noises, like blowing raspberries and does not respond well to requests to stop


In this binder there's some Family Resource report, which reads

Date 10/17/96
Areas of strength:  Age 3.5

Thinking:  Seem to comprehend 3 step directions

Large/small muscles:  Can scoot quickly on small bike.  Likes to do somersaults.

Language/speech:  Back to saying "mama".  Trying to say more words in last few weeks.

Personal/social:  aware of other's emotions, offers toy.  Protective of his baby brother. (Heck yeah, me and Taylor goes way back, 2 months ago when he was born)

Self-help:  Is able to take down and pull up pants by himself.

Areas needing strengthening:

Coordination to put on socks, own shirt, jacket.  Speech to be understood.

Goals for Michael:

Learn his colors
Learn to pedal bike
Be able to verbally express himself
Work on acting out less (physically) when frustrated.
Put on own jacket

In the binder there's a page that says "Good Things About Michael"

Motor Skills:
*Likes using scissors and playdough
*Loves painting
*Enjoys helping in the kitchen with baking, cracking eggs
*Likes to do hand motions to songs

Verbal Ability: 
*Has recently begun asking why?
*Enjoys being read to
*Likes to sing

Behavior and Personality:
*Potty trained at 3.1 y/o
*Helpful around house
*Loving with younger brother
*Affectionate
*Seems very bright in spite of delays
*Good memory (I scored college level for visual memory, in some test I took when I was younger then 10, everything else I scored was below average)
*Enjoys playing with sibs and other friends
*Like his gymnastic class
*Usually smiling and laughing
*Can be very giving and unselfish

That's everything which is worth sharing from the binder

Later on, I'll make another blog post about "*Easily angered with himself and his *performance*"
Because two strong memories comes to mind and I figure  I'll share them
I just want to say, if you've gone through experiences where others can benefit from hearing your own struggles or accomplishments, share them, don't let them go to the wayside. We as humans can all teach one another. You don't have to stand in a room and be like "Yo, listen up" you don't even have to make it public, but sharing with friends, can help them, make them feel like they're not alone in they're challenges

I have asked my mom to write her experience and her  thoughts she had during those couple of early years with me.

"Michael was a sweet baby with blue eyes and curly blonde hair.  He was always very good-natured and affectionate.  It was around 18 months old that I started to have some concerns.  Words that he had been saying for a while disappeared from his vocabulary and were replaced by sounds that were very generalized.  The Dr. wasn’t concerned but I knew something wasn’t quite right.  Also, as he got a little older he fell behind in some fine and gross motor skills too.

Around 3 years of age his language had not improved.  He obviously wanted to communicate, and was frustrated when he wasn’t understood.  The Dr. thought too many people were speaking for him and he was unmotivated, but I knew that was wrong. We had him evaluated by a developmental pediatrician who suggested that he had some autistic like traits which she said could be caused by the speech delay and might be outgrown.  Eventually we got him into a private speech therapist where he was diagnosed with severe oral and verbal apraxia, and dysfluency (stuttering) as he got older and more verbal.

Michael saw a lot of specialists but no one was really sure exactly what diagnosis to give.  It was my research, including looking at other family members with similar issues, that led me to be sure the diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome was right.  This wasn’t confirmed by a professional until Michael was an adult.
It’s always hard when you learn that your child has some type of disability or challenge.  I worried about his future; how much could we help him, what he would be able to do, and whether he would have a happy and fulfilling life. He needed a lot of home therapy and attention.  It was a struggle to balance his needs with his siblings that also needed my attention.  As a parent, you do the best you can with situations you feel totally unqualified and unprepared for and hope you’re the parent they need.

Michael still has challenges.  We all do.  He has the biggest, kindest, purest heart of anyone I know.  He is loyal and always looking for the best in people.  He works hard to be the best he can be, while being accepting of who he is right now.  There’s a lesson in that for all of us."


I would of loved to be able to give comfort to my mom during this hard part of her life, trying to figure out what I had, telling her that everything would be okay and that her son who overly gave her blown raspberries that didn't stop no matter how long or messy they got,
When she saw that part in the binder, she laughed about it and said I wouldn't stop for anything

Plot twist: What if blowing raspberries was my form of comforting her at that point of time (I doubt it, but wouldn't it of been a cute little story? ;p)

What my mom said "It’s always hard when you learn that your child has some type of disability or challenge." is true, and from talking to other people and my own personal belief.

God only gives you these people in your life, because he knows you're strong enough to handle it

We all have challenges, conquer them to become You

                 
                         Endure to the end, stay strong in the Gospel and you won't regret it

Being Overly Excited About Friends Was My Down Fall

I am still alive.

I had lost the "motivation" to write, I haven't blog for a couple of weeks.. but as I sit here now and write out the words I cannot help but give a smile. I miss writing and seeing my words come to life as I type on my keyboard.

With that being said, I looked back at some old chats I had with people I knew during the years 2008-2010, I just had to look at a few to realize how bad I was with conversations, even with them being through computer screens.

At the time, I thought the conversations were great and I was communicating with people, me... Michael, was actually talking to people.

People with Aspergers tend to not know how to interact with others that good, they don't know how to be social. I've read a lot of articles on Aspergers.

"What do you like to do during your free time?"
Me: Oh, I like to read articles about Aspergers" hah, but all jokes aside, when I'm having one of those days with AS and just feel alone and so disconnected from people. I read about Aspergers, so I can better understand how and why I feel the way I do, and realize I'm not the only one who feel this way.

and a lot of them I've read.. it always talk about how when someone with AS is in the company of another, like when they're kids at a park or something, the kid with AS would be so happy to play with someone else, but have no idea how or what to do.

I was the same with conversations, I was so glad I had somebody to talk to, but from reading those conversations, I came off as a bit... weird, could of come off as annoying too, this one person, I was looking at our Facebook chats and it was basically me just talking without a filter, I would say anything and everything, and in turn, it would end the little friendships I had stumbled across, each time I would say something, the response of the other would get shorter and shorter... until there was nothing left.

People with AS don't get social cues, but for me, I didn't even understood them from over a screen. For an example, I'll change the first person name and name1 and name2 are brother and sisters  anyways. enjoy the bad conversation ha.

me: John?

John: Michael?

me: yes?

John: I don't know... you started it...

me: ok well do u know where name1 and name2 are?

John: Probably at their house.
What do you mean?
 Oh, or at mutual still.

me: cuz i gave them a email weeks ago

John: Oh, try again.
Or maybe give them a call.

me: and i called them cuz name1 could go to dances. and no one is home

John: Probably just e-mail again.

me: ok

John: I saw them both yesterday.

me: really?
 that cool
 I don't know if they know i know you
 so your like Name1's  cousin?

John: Yes I am.

me: i thought so

John: Have been for 5 years.

me: cool

John: (Actually his whole life...)

me: cool

I can't help but cringe when I read over this. hahaha. Also, might I just add, when I first said the names for 1&2 to "John" I put they're last names for each name of the brother and sister...
This was back in 2008 I was 15, also I'm still friends with this "John" person

As if the first example wasn't enough to win you over, this one might just do it..

I was still 15 and I had met this one girl at a youth dance, *Name has changed to Sarah*
Sarah had invited me over to hang out in her circle of friends, the youth and YSA dances always have circles of friends just throughout the dance floor, anyways.. this happened  for a couple of dances, I thought that she liked me, here is something I read in an article years ago

"Another concern is an assumption made by the person with Asperger's Syndrome that if they like someone, then the other person has the same degree of commitment. They may not recognize the other person's signals of a casual or platonic friendships"

Of course now, I know the difference, but back then, I liked her, so she liked me too right?
basically, if anyone would talk to me, weather male or female, I would get excited and think we're friends, because they're talking to me, when most people wouldn't, I don't even recall any conversation me and Sarah had. we only talked at dances, so I don't have the chats somewhere on gmail, facebook etc.


  and then I went to a rodeo... *Plays dramatic sound effect* there were some cowgirls there who were giving autographs, one of them had the same name as Sarah, so I got one autograph from her, and asked her to sign it for a "Sarah". the next dance I gave it to Sarah. Needless to say, that was the last time we talked, and I can see why now. that was so creepy, stupid and weird. hahah, but it is laughable now, back then I was heart-broken, I had just lost a friend, and I did not know why.

I've found 6 emails I sent to this "Sarah" person. one day I sent 3 emails, two of the three emails I sent in same day, were less then 10mins apart. I never got a reply back, one email reads "Would it Be Ok If I Ask You For ur phone Number? so if i'm going somewhere with my family (not a Trip) i can see if u can come with me?"

Another emails reads "i'm at a place call Smoovie it's a place where u can get Smoothies and play Games. theres a Wii and PS2 and Xbox 360 (right now i'm having a Smoothie!) so how is ur day today?"

I must admit though, smoovie was a pretty cool place, me and my brothers went there a couple times.

Yep, those were pretty weird, but I was just so overly excited that I had made a "friend" and wanted to talk, but had no clue how to, even though then, I thought what I was saying at the time were great and what friends talk about.

This is basically how I was like. (expect for the very end)

This might sound a bit sad to you, but for memories like that, I try to find the delete button in my head, and just get rid of those memories. I had forgotten about Sarah, until I was looking at some chats I had with someone on gchat and I had mentioned her name, then I looked up her email address in the search bar and found those 6 emails.


Now years later, my conversations both face and screen are a lot better, that is, if the person I'm talking to I feel comfortable with, and gotten to known.
In 2014, when I was at a YSA Branch dinner, I was sitting at a table and people were talking, and someone then said "Michael, you've been in the branch for over a year and I know nothing about you" something along those lines,  A part of me said in my mind "I'm afraid with what I would say"
I just agreed and we all laughed together. you see, back then in my teen years, I learn what I would say wasn't good for being social, so I just didn't say anything, it was less-hurt if I would just stay silent instead of speak and make small friendships which would crash in the sea of socially

One good thing with being a quiet person. is playing Mafia. someone accuse me of being the Mafia because I'm quiet and haven't said anything playing. I then say "Yeah?, and when do I ever talk?" then we just all laugh... and then I just "kill" the person who accused me, because... I was the Mafia the whole time ;). hahahaha

One friend I had, even though we would talk on gmail a good number of Sundays, when I was 15 and our conversations were still cringe-able atleast for me, looking back at now. but at church we would talk about getting on gchat at the same time to talk, and we did. Back then, I would hardly talk in person, it'd be small conversations, but talking through the screens were better at the time.I even told him that I have Aspergers Syndrome over gchat.  I remember when he called me one day to talk on the phone. I thought that was the weirdest thing ever. somebody wanted to talk to me on the phone?, and then when I was 17-18 and he was 19, leaving to go on his mission in a few days. He came over to my house to talk and say goodbye. My first time having someone come over just to talk to me, no one else and that was one of the weirdest things ever too.

Ending this post on a good note. me and that friend still talk today, there were also some others from my ward who I would talk to and I really appreciate it.  I'm also thankful for every single friend I have at the branch (and others who don't go to the branch) who I talk to, some goes off to school, and somehow I make some new friends in the branch each time. and if your someone who goes to the branch and I don't talk to often. I am sorry, I wish it was easier to talk.

Also, I see what happened in the past as something funny to look at, I have matured socially, I know what is right to say vs what isn't now. but I still struggle with talking to some. I built a wall around me, and now I need to work at tearing it down. I built it because of the hurt I would get of fail friendships at my end. I can't really blame anyone for stop talking to me, I understand why they stopped all communication. Some friends have helped with tearing the wall down, but a good chunk still stands, it'd be gone at some point though :).

If you think of it, everyone has they're own walls, what is yours?

A Small Rant?- Friendboat vs Friendship

This last week was pretty fun, I went on a YSA camp out, hung out with some people from the branch, some fun conversations, me and some *friends*... I struggle at times with knowing if someone is a friend or a acquaintance

Maybe it has something to do with lack of social knowledge, people I know back in my old ward in Pasco, I know their my friends, because they have mentioned it before

There are some people in the branch, who I have just given the label "Friend" because whenever we see each other, we have  some conversations. 

But then again, when I'm having one of "Those days" because of Aspergers, I debate with the label friend... here I'll expound on this.

When I hear the word friendship, it means to me that you see  this person often and or you talk to this person regularly, 

Aghh... writing this blog, I'm trying not to offend anyone

Alright, looks like it's that time of the blog again... "Shout out to Levi" as Levi calls them haha.

We're friends, his one of the people I've just given the label too at the start, didn't really know if we were actually friends or not, we talked a couple times throughout the week, crack jokes etc. 

But for a good while, I wasn't sure if we were friends or not, I'm glad to know that he was really thankful of when he moved here a year and some months ago, that I started a conversation up with him, as I was handing out the bulletins before sacrament meeting started and then went and sat by him. 

I normally don't do that, because it's getting out of my comfort zone a lot, but that day I just happened to do it and I'm glad I did.

During the camp out, I hung out with a group of people from my branch, that was nice.. just to be in the company of some people. I don't talk a whole lot in groups but I also had some moments

one of them were doing the chubby bunny game, you basically see how many marshmallows you can fit into your mouth, one got 9 and they were saying how it was my turn, my plan was to win and get past 9, which I did.. I got 10 hah, later that night.. the person who got 9, someone put candy in front of him and he said "Well it's in front of me, I guess I'll have to eat it now" so I grabbed the bag where we spit the marshmallows into and put it in front of him, then everyone laughed and he threw the bag away haha...

I hope I didn't bugged anyone from this group I hang out with, I was wondering that during the weekend, would they be annoyed if I tag along

I would say though, that I have a harder time with knowing if a female is a acquaintance or friend, mostly every guy I talk to at the branch I have given the friend label at some point or another.

At times they feel more like friendboats and not friendships. 

a friendship, you actually hang out with this person sometimes, I was pretty nervous for when my friend Brittion came for my birthday, we hadn't seen each other since 2011 at efy, but the spending time together went quite good.. my friend Mitchell who's on his mission right now, we would spend time with each other a couple of times before he left, I was worried with how the  one on one would be like, because I never experienced that to a great deal before hand, it's something that went better then I had expected it to go

I must admit though... sometimes I do get jealous of people in the branch, being able to talk to each other  so freely, but having my little group of people I talk to weekly is nice, it's something I didn't always had in my old ward.

 didn't really had many people to hang out with, even now I don't go to many things other then church related activities. on the good note though, the 3 years being in Kennewick and the branch, I've been to more get together then my teen years, not a whole ton though.

I could probably go on more with talking about the sad and negativity of the past and all that... why should I though?.. so I'll just end it here.

I hope I didn't offend anyone from this post, if you already see us as being friends, that's great

I wasn't writing this post for pity either. 

The post just turned into a small rant about friends and acquaintances, I wonder if people without Aspergers struggle with these terms too, or does it just magically connect because their able to read each other so well?

Stay chill as a penguin everyone.

Endure to the end, stay strong in the Gospel and you won't regret it

YSA Talent Show

Hey everyone, this last Monday all three YSA Branches combined in the Tri-Cities had a talent show and I recite some of my poems.

It was an amazing night, I was a little nervous waiting to go up and then just a little bit at the start, but it went really good.

The only thing I might of done differently was standing up there longer... I kinda just walked off a few seconds after my last poem ha..

After the show I got a lot of great comments, it was awesome, I'm so thankful that I have this talent of  writing.

Somebody said that she could see me speaking in schools and sharing my poetry to the students, and then I told her about my goal of being a speaker to the youth within the church, she was really excited and agree with me that I should. I guess this goal of mine is more real then just thoughts now. that other people can actually see me being a speaker, which is just amazing :D.

I also noticed a couple of people from my old ward in Pasco were also there, it was great to share my spoken word poem, so people could actually see how I really  felt. Words are powerful

One thing I forgot to mention fully while I was up there, I did said I started writing to get emotions out, but I forgot to say that my first poems were all sad, and how I don't really show them to many people anymore because, their just.. pretty sad stuff haha.

The Lost Connection, I Can't Read You.

Hey, this post will be quite funny, some parts may get a bit "creepy", but just grab your popcorn and enjoy.

We all know I have Aspergers, with Aspergers I can't read body/facial language... I can't read the built in language

What does that mean?.. well... it means I don't know anything about body/facial  language, if you're trying to send clues of wanting to change subject, or something like that, if I been talking about a certain topic for awhile and you're tried of hearing it, I won't catch onto your  majestic language hahaha.... :p....

Oh man, just imagine flirting and someone giving me the "clues/moves" that they actually like me. If that would even happen?, hahaha, if it does even happen, I won't noticed it.

You might be thinking that nonverbal communication isn't really that important, that you'll be able to live without it... well..

" How much of communication is really nonverbal?

One of the most frequently quoted statistics on nonverbal communication is that 93% of all daily communication is nonverbal. Popular science magazines, students and media outlets frequently quote this specific number.

So where does the number come from? Dr. Albert Mehrabian, author of Silent Messages, conducted several studies on nonverbal communication. He found that 7% of any message is conveyed through words, 38% through certain vocal elements, and 55% through nonverbal elements (facial expressions, gestures, posture, etc).  Subtracting the 7% for actual vocal content leaves one with the 93% statistic.

However, studying human behavior is a challenging task. The inherent flaws of social scientific research methodology combined with the incredible dynamic nature of human behavior make this specific quantification close to impossible.

The fact of the matter is that the exact number is irrelevant. Knowing that communication is specifically 75% nonverbal or 90% nonverbal holds no practical applications. The important part is that most communication is nonverbal. In fact, nonverbal behavior is the most crucial aspect of communication.

Based on my own research, I would state that the amount of communication that is nonverbal varies between 60 and 90% on a daily basis.  This number depends on both the situation and the individual."

^ The study

Well... crap... 60 to 90% on a daily basis. How can anyone live without feeling totally... disconnected with people?, easy answer, they don't. even with my friends who I crack jokes with

My friend Levi is a good example, I crack jokes with him a lot, I give him a lot of smart alec comments which we'll just laugh about. but at the end of the day, I am still missing the full connection.

That is why I like texting or facebook.. there is no body/facial expressions, just words, no eye contact, I also like talking to people in person because.. it's just nice. the online friends I have told about me and Aspergers, are always like "But you don't seem like nothing is wrong with you" which is because we just talk through a screen, if we were in person, they would be able to pick it up quite quickly.

A few weeks ago my sister who's 16, will be 17 next month, anyways. she was... giving me a test
She would display facial expressions and have me guess what they were, If the "test" had a grade, it would be a F-. I got about 2 right out of... a lot.. :p.

I thought "Confused" was "Concerned" and so on, the only two I got right were Happy, and Sad.
So great, I'll know if you're happy or sad, but in between, heck to the no.

Me and my same sister went and got frozen yogurt a few months ago, and we were sitting in the car. she told me *About the cashier*  "You can tell everything about that person, just by his facial expressions" I looked.. a few seconds later I said "Nope :|" she asked why and I simply said "Aspergers" and we both laughed.

Alright, now to get into the "creepy" part of this post. when I'm watching a Movie/TV/Youtube (Mainly just Youtube, because I do that by myself, vs watching movies with people)  and I'm looking at people faces.. I pause, go back and watch their faces again, I repeat this time after time, just last night I did it about 7-10 times on just one person and his facial expression. I would pause it right at his face, and I would try to "study" it, I would look everywhere on his face. after the 10th try, I just gave up and let the video go on.

If I could have some sort of power, that'd be it.. to freeze time, I would just look at all of your faces closely, and try to figure it out, try to study it, to even see if I could tell anything about it.
You can't just go up to people and be like "Let me study your face, don't move" because not only would that be insanely creepy... well yeah, it'd just be creepy, let leave it at that, haha.

To end this blog post, I'm glad I can share my experience with Aspergers, that I'm more open about it with people, it's apart of me, and I have been more accepting of it myself as the years go on.




                              Endure to the end, stay strong in the Gospel and you won't regret it

Me and Youth Dances

Today's post will be about how the church youth dances were for me, and how the YSA dances are in some ways the same.

I started going to the youth dances when I turned 14, it started out as good times, I would dance with a lot of people, highest I gotten at one of those dances was like 12.

About a year later, they weren't all that fun. I would try to come up with conversations to have, it was a real struggle because of Aspergers. to even make things worse, it was always a one sided conversation... the person I was dancing with hardly would add anything into the conversations, there were times when we would just dance hardly saying anything, and then a guy from my ward would see, and give me some "input" at what kind of things to say while dancing. In my head I was saying "Yeah, I've done all of those, it doesn't really work.." Favorite movie, book, tv show, whatever it was, I asked, not the "What's the color of your toothbrush?" line which was talked about at a youth conference.. because that's just plain dumb.  90% of the time, the girls wouldn't even ask me anything back.

Once the song ended, I saw other guys would ask the same people and they'd be laughing and having a conversation going the whole time. It  was at this time when those thoughts of me being weird or a freak hit like a raging storm, because it wasn't just the 12-13 people from my class at church, but it was pretty much all of Tri-Cities.

There was this one dance I went to, I was 14-15.. it was a parking lot dance over at my church building and at one point during the evening, two girls came up to me from my Sunday school class and told me to "Stop following *girl's name*, that she doesn't even like you" I did had a crush on this girl, a long time before this night. I simply said "I haven't even seen her the whole night" they said something back and just walked off.

The small confidence I did had fell through the cracks. I just wanted to walk home, I wanted to be done with it all. I went to dances to hang out with my  few friends. once I got to the dance I would just walk around, sit down, and do it over again, because being in the group circle was kinda weird, I didn't really know any of them so I just left the circles.  there were some moments when I actually had some fun, but it didn't happened a lot.

 During those teen years, I would listen to some music which probably wasn't the best to listen to. sad songs, some screamo, some emo style bands. I would go home, get on to youtube and just listen to songs, because I felt like an outcast, I felt alone, couldn't interact with the people from dances, I was  miserable. There was a time when I just stopped going to dances altogether. the times I did started going again, I wouldn't ask anyone to dance, because no one wanted to, so why ask?.

Now at YSA dances, I've ran into kind of the same thing, it is much... much better now though.  I go up to my friends who are in groups and be part of the groups. I do not do the group dances. there are still times when I'm walking around and going to sit down and stuff like that. I do not ask people I do not know to dance. the last couple of dances I been to, most I ever danced was three times. I don't ask, because I don't want to go through the same situation. I have a good time at dances now, last two dances were okay, the one before those was great. I will try to have a good time at dances now. I'm the only one preventing me from having a good time

I remember being at a fireside one Sunday and the person played this video. I loved it, it's a Mormon Message video. "Hello, my name is Michael and I'm addicted to Mormon Message videos" haha.

Endure to the end, stay strong in the Gospel and you won't regret it

Power of Deliverance- L Tom Perry

Seeing General Conference is coming up, this story is pretty appropriate.

This pass Sunday, President Morgan was talking to the branch about  how important it is to come up with a question to ponder about,  that you'll  would like answer during General Conference.

 When he was saying this, the memory came to mind, when I was challenged to come up with a question for General Conference.

During my senior year in high school and in my Sunday school class. My teachers Brother and Sister Daivdson challenged all of us to come up with a question you wanted answer during the conference.

My first thought was "I don't have any questions, I'm not struggling in any Gospel doctrines, my life is fine" Conference came around, I still haven't written anything down that I wanted an answer to, that was actually bothering me  I went through Saturday sessions, Priesthood session, Sunday Morning session. It was still on the top of my mind, throughout this weekend. but I just didn't know what kind of question to come up with.

After the Sunday morning session, I went to my mom for help I asked her what kind of questions do people write down for Conference, after talking to her I came up with a question

                         "Why do I have Asperger's Syndrome?"

As we went to watch the last afternoon session of Conference, I thought that it was already to late, that I missed my chance, but  the first talk, it was it.

The talk was by Elder L. Tom Perry The Power of Deliverance
He open his talk, telling us about his friend name Scott "My young friend has some difficult challenges. They limit him in some ways, but in other ways he is extraordinary. For example, his boldness as a missionary rivals the sons of Mosiah. The simplicity of his beliefs makes his convictions incredibly firm and steady."

As he was saying that, I looked at my mom and she was looking at me, my question was getting answered, I started to listen  more closely

The talk was about the power of deliverance, he shared  two stories from the book of Mosiah  along with stories from the Old Testament. When his talk was done, I was a little confused, the first part of his talk seemed liked it was going to give me my answer,
Once Conference was over I talked to my mom about the talk, during the middle of his talk, it didn't seem like it was about my question, but as I talked to my mom, there were some things in the chapter, which he didn't read in his talk, in chapter 24 of Mosiah verse 15 it reads


 "15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."

Now, even though  soon after they were delivered out of bondage from the Lamanites, This verse was still for me, made light, strengthen, ease, cheerfully, patience.  Asperger's is a life trial that I am stuck with, or "A way of life" it comes down to your attitude, being cheerful or patience, being happy. some-days I don't even think of it, because it doesn't bother me, then other days, I wish I didn't had it, but it makes me a stronger person, it makes me.. well Me.

I'll also throw in this scripture
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light- Matthew 11:28-30"

While I was still talking to my mom about this, the  scripture Ether 12:27 came up  "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

So the question as to why?, well.. it's my weakness, but God will make weak things become strong, "the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease" he'll help me, my burden will be easier to carry, then by myself
Just as Elder L Tom Perry said about his friend "My young friend has some difficult challenges. They limit him in some ways, but in other ways he is extraordinary.

There was a person in my home ward in Pasco, President Naef, some of you may of known him, he was released as a Stake President when I think my family moved to Pasco, but he served in the Temple Presidency, so some of you may know him from there, anyways at some point of being in the ward, after I had given a talk, he came up to me and said whenever he reads Ether 12:27 it always reminds him of me.

So in Sunday school we were asked if we had a question which got answered, I said I had one, Brother Davidson later asked if I could share it and I did so, after I said what my question was, and how it got answered, he said "That must of been a very personal experience for you" I said yes and he went on with saying how he  love that even though  I have challenges in my life and I struggle at times, he said I'm an example to him,  then he started to cry some and he went on with saying that, when his struggling he thinks of me.

I would like to challenge all you to come up with a question for General Conference which will be in two weeks. ponder about it, and see what happens. I know that Heavenly Father knows who we all are. He knows us by name

Endure to the end, stay strong in the Gospel and you won't regret it

My First Experience with Mighty Prayer

Hey guys, sorry for not blogging last week, time just went by ha.
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Hymns #140  Did You Think to Pray?

I'll get back to that hymn later on in this post :)

Alright, so I thought I would share about my first experience when I truly didn't felt invisible from my Heavenly Father, that he knew me, he knew this 16 year old young man, that he knew who I was, he knew my trials and that He really did cared for me. this is my experience of the very first time when I prayed and actually got a answer back. It was a very special moment, when His spirit was so strong, that I felt a overwhelming feeling of warmth. My second experience with prayer is the one I had on Trek, some of you may have  already read it, but if you haven't, here's the Link

I was going through a pretty rough time, it was about having Asperger's, and feeling totally alone, In my teen years of 14-16. I did had some people from my ward I would talk to, but it still felt like I never could actually connect with them, I didn't told anyone about having Asperger's until I was 17.
I would tell myself that I was some weird person or a freak, that was why no one would really talk to me that much, that was why no one really wanted to sit next to me in Sunday School, (Please note, that some people would sit by me in Sunday School) only 2-3 people out of a class of 10-12?.
I remember when Priest Quorum came along, me and my friend Spencer would always try to sit next to each other, and I really appreciate that (He was my first friend I told about having Asperger's)

I would hide my emotions, I would put a smile on my face like nothing was wrong, but deep down, I felt rejected at times, I felt like a nobody, a couple of times I didn't even want to go into my Sunday School class, I wanted to skip it all together. I remember when I was 14 or 15, one of those years, I had a teacher in Sunday School and one week she just said how "Every week, there's somebody that comes into class and always sits by himself" as she said that, she got pretty emotional about it. I felt all eyes on me, and for a couple of weeks, some people would sit next to me, but it didn't last that long.

Every year I would keep everything inside, got to the point when my bottle of emotions was about to burst open, in 2009 (I was 16) I was taking a home school class with another home school family (They were LDS too, I'm still friends with the family) from in town. one day when I was at class, I remember when my teacher asked me if everything was alright. I guess I was looking pretty down and even quieter then normal, as if I can get even more quieter?.  I just said that I  was good, but it was hard to say those words, without breaking down, but I managed it nonetheless.

Then this Sunday... this Sunday exploded that bottle, I was in Sunday School class. sitting by myself, a guy walked into the classroom, said "Where should I sit down?" asking the class as a whole where he should sit down, one of the girls said you could sit by Michael. this guy just said "Nah, I don't want to sit by Michael" now, this may seems harmless, you all may be thinking "So what?" but after years of keeping everything inside, hearing those words, I almost broke down in Sunday School, I wanted to get up, and leave the room. I just wanted out, but instead I just stayed seated, and stared down at the ground, I have thought of that moment a couple of times, more so now as I'm writing this blog post. I had the thought of getting up, leaving the room. also had the thought of getting up, punching the guy, and leaving the room, but I choose just to stay seated, which was probably the best opinion out of those three.


That evening, when I got home, or a couple days after that Sunday, I literally broke down, I remember the time, I do not remember what day it was, but the time was 12am, at midnight. I was out in the living room, I couldn't sleep, I just needed help, so I went out into the living room with my set of scriptures. You've probably heard of those stories, when somebody is going through a really tough time and they open up their scriptures and amazingly  enough find some verses that jumps out to them, during their trials. I thought that would happen with me. So there I was, closing my scriptures, opening them randomly, repeating that time after time, but that was not working. It started to get hard to see, just because of the tears, I then remembering something from church, this was actually pretty close to a General Conference (I'm pretty sure it was the April session coming up) but a teacher shared a story of somebody he knew, that said a prayer before a General Conference, the person did not get the answer to their prayer from a talk, but rather from a song.. so I remember that, so when I went out into the living room, I actually had a copy of the hymn book. after opening my scriptures for a couple of minutes, trying to find some help. I then said a prayer.

It wasn't a casual prayer I usually did, but rather a prayer of pleading for help, so far in my life, the most spiritual experiences with prayer is when I have no where else to turn, and I literally plead to my Heavenly Father, I beg him to help me.... and He has answered.
 I pleaded with my Heavenly Father, I needed help, that I felt alone, tears were streaming down my face.

Enos 1:4 comes to mind "And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens."

I cried unto my  Heavenly Father, in mighty prayer.. tears running down my face as I was saying this prayer, begging, pleading for help, it was at this moment, when I felt a overwhelming feeling of warmth. I felt as like I was embraced into a hug, I heard a voice in my head "140" I open up my scriptures, searched for anything involving the number 140, I went to the page numbers of "140" nothing really stood out at all, with my eyes still fresh from a rain storm, I looked at the hymn book.. I picked it up, turned to "140" the hymn was "Did You Think to Pray?" I looked at it, and I literally laughed to myself, I was like "Yeah, that's what I'm doing now, I did prayed"  but then I looked at the lyrics.

(Chorus)
Oh, how praying rests the weary!
Prayer will change the night to day.
So, when life gets dark and dreary,
Don't forget to pray.

3. When sore trials came upon you,
Did you think to pray?
When your soul was full of sorrow,
Balm of Gilead did you borrow
At the gates of day?
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The feeling I got after reading the Chorus and 3rd verse, that I knew He answers prayers, that He knew who I was, what I was going through,  I felt loved, I felt His hug. It was such a powerful experience. I haven't been in that state for awhile now, when I was so broken down like that. My Senior year during Sunday School was a lot better, but I'll share that for a different post, on another day.

A friend of mine, named Paul, I met him in the summer of 2008, I was 15 at the time. at the time he was 24 or 25, around there.. He went to a overnight camp out with my friend Spencer and Spencer's brothers, he was subbing as one of our leaders I think. but anyways, we talked late into the night, the group of us, we were just laying down on a tarp talking and staring up at the night sky.
That was the same overnight camp out where I went to a store and bought doughnuts and candy so I could feel like I was "part" of the group, that'd people would like to talk to me. which now thinking of it, is kind of silly of me, because Spencer was a friend of mine, and his brothers, but I still felt disconnected to people. Skip over to a couple weeks later, I was talking to Paul on gchat and previously he said that "I was great" I asked him, if Spencer had told him about me, because why else would he said I was great?. This is what he had to say to that.

 Michael, nearly everything I know about you I learned in person.

When I first met you, I got the impression that you have been labeled and judged, and that part of you struggled to feel accepted.

I also was able to discern great things about you; your sincerity, your integrity, how valiant you are, and how strong you are.

I would say that there are many, many things which I can see in you which you cannot see in yourself.

I saw those things the day that I met you.

You might think that this is some kind of trick or something, but Michael, think about it.

No one assigned me to be nice to you.

Being a friend to you doesn't make me money, help my grades, get me a girlfriend, or make me more popular.

But it makes me happy.

Because I know something of who you are.
That is why I am a friend to you.

Michael, this is no trick. This is reality. There is no hidden agenda here.
The whole world may have told you that you aren't good enough, but if they have, the whole world was wrong.

You were always good enough.

It is too bad that people do and say the things that they do.

They just don't know what they are doing.

The day will come when they know who you are, then they will wish that things had been different.

Of course, then again, the day will come when you know who you are, and then you will finally realize why the Steeles befriended you, why I befriended you.

I don't believe that you really believe in who you are yet.

But you are on the right path.

Just don't doubt yourself so much.

Your doubt only slows you down.

You have been placed in some of the best circumstances that have ever existed for a son of God since this earth was created.

He put you here to make a difference.

You need to believe in yourself in order to make that difference.
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In closing, prayer is real, mighty prayer is real. God knows who you are, what you're going through. He loves you. I'm so thankful for every friend I have today, it means a lot to me.

Endure to the end, stay strong in the Gospel and you won't regret it

I am different.

Readers, I went to my friend's birthday party tonight.. haven't been to a party since.. umm probably August.
There was a lot of people there, people laughing, talking, and so on.. I felt very, um how can I say it.. a bit awkward being there.
No offense Jonathan I love ya just with the stupid Asperger's it's hard for me, thanks for inviting me.

It have gotten to the point in my life when I am invited (which I'm not invited to a lot of things) that I want to go.. because I was invited and I hardly am.. but it's very difficult.
try to imagine you being at you're friend house, with people you have seen from dances but you have never really spoken with them, and imagine that their not talking with you, but laughing, talking, with their friends.
And you not knowing what to say to them, the whole time I was at the party only one person I did not know came up to me, said "Hi, i'm (name), what's you're name?" a conversation wasn't started, I said my name and that was about it, she went to hang out with her friends after that.

As I was sitting at the table where they were playing the "Question game" I wasn't playing with them, just watching them play the game, I just "couldn't" join in and play it with them.
As I was observing them (As stated in my blog entry about Asperger's "Not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others' body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking.")
I observe people (which kinda like me staring at them)... does it sound creepy?.... sigh yeah I'm weird.

When I observe them, i'm like.. "How can they do that?!" their talking and laughing , laughing and talking, it's crazy at least for me, you my readers probably see it as "normal" and see me as.. "different".. another thing I don't understand, is how can their be a group of friends talking together all at once?, sometimes two people or more talking at once.

I was just standing in the house just observing people.. being a creep, Jonathan came over and told me to go outside and hang out by the fire, I was making my way to the door when he asked some others to join us as well.... all were girls hah.. I turned back and was walking into a room but he came and got me, after spending five minutes or so by the fire I went inside, the girls that came out where talking in their group, the people by the fire who were already there was talking to Jonathan, and me just standing there.

My friend Spencer asked if I wanted to play chess, which was nice because I was just sitting in the living room area, we went into his room and played it, he won the first time, I  won the 2nd time.

I then went back to the party area, most everyone have left so it was a bit easier for me.. why must I be so weird?,  God knows I'll be able to handle Asperger's... but at times I just don't know if I can.

What is normal in my eyes?... normal is being able to interact with you're friends 80% more then I can, being able to be in a group, playing a game, talking, laughing, talking and laughing.. being with that "someone" which whom you have a crush with, I know for sure no one has a crush on me or even think of me in that way, why would they?.. being normal is when you can flirt just for the fun of it and just hang out with the opposite gender , as what I saw tonight at the party.. and not even just tonight, but at dances and so on.
I have only been on two dates in my whole life, and that was when I was 17.. it's not just all about the opposite gender but just wanting to interact 80% more with my friends.  I am grateful for the friends I do have, everytime when I pray I let my Father in Heaven know that I'm thankful for the few friends I do have.

People have told me "You're not like most guys" and have told me I am unique, a part of it I guess is I speak what I mean, I don't speak to be mean to people, and like at efy bout the tissues (You can read that in my post about efy).. but I do wish to be "normal" at times,  I do wish to have that "someone" to hang out with and to talk to, even if I do.. I don't know how  I'll be at it...
Anyways, have a good new beginning of this year.

My EFY Experience

For those of you who don't know what EFY stand for, it's Especially For Youth, you can read about it here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Especially_for_Youth

On the way to EFY my mind rush to one thing to another, I was worried with what my company would be like.. would I fit in at all?, when I tell the guys in my group  I have Asperger's Syndrome, would they accept me for me?, or would I be the outcast..

Once I got to efy, I grab my belongings from the car went in the line to get my efy bag, wristband, book etc
I signed up for the talent show, finally I went to my dorm building went in my room and looked around... there was another bed.. I'm going to have a roommate, I was nervous for having a roommate.. I didn't had one the first year I went to efy.
It was then  time to meet with the other guys in my company, so we all went in the lobby, where our efy counselor had us meet.. he introduce himself... something he said later  was "In this group you can share anything you want"... that made me think of telling them about Asperger's Syndrome, but could not share that with them now... after we introduce ourselves and talked some, we then went to meet up with the girls in our company.. which I think is the best part for both us and the girls. We played get to know you games.. and I was nervous yet again, once we were done we headed to the introduction of efy and what to aspect from the week, the guys ask the girls if we could escort them (We did this everywhere we went)... I didn't ask anyone if I could escort them, I just hid in the back and waited til everyone had someone to escort... I "couldn't" ask them.. so I just walked in my company going to the program.

The spirit grew inside of me with being there, listening to some of the counselors and Brother McDonald, him and Sister McDonald were our session director.

Later in the evening when we had dinner, my company were sitting with each other.. there were some spots  open but I "couldn't" go and sit down with them, so I sat with Jay, he was my counselor.. and his amazing, I'll leave it at that.

Then we had FHE (Family home evening), which was a lot of fun, it took place outside we played games etc, then it was time to go back to our dorms, have our counselor devotional, then go to bed.. I was walking with Jay and it was just the two of us, I told him there's something I got to tell the guys tonight, once we got to our dorm building and had  the devotional, Jay said "Michael got something he want to tell us" all eyes were on me.. I felt like what did I got myself into.
But I told them I have Asperger's Syndrome, I told them the basics of it.. and it was all good, nothing went wrong they were accepting of me, I was very grateful for that

Tuesday was amazing, just like the other days, classes etc.  the guys in our dorm said we should have a chocolate milk party to go along with pizza night which was  Wednesday.. so that morning we started to put chocolate milk into our efy bags, we had some people go run it up to our dorm, we did this at breakfast, lunch and dinner. (There was a door in the main floor where our dorm rooms were, the door was along the wall. it had no handle/door knob, was pretty cool ha, a room with a fridge and other things)

After breakfast we had gospel study where we had personal reading for 30mins, after that we went to the morning side.. it was time to escort the girls again.. I tired hiding in the back like the day before but that didn't work, Jay found someone for me.. it was okay but I ran out with stuff to say and thought I was boring to be their escort.

Every morning side, and classes were amazing, I felt the spirit every time.. for the first two days I went to classes by myself, the 3rd day my friend Spencer who I meant the first day, we went to classes together it was fun, but he wanted to go with his company after the first two classes
I joined the musical program which took my free time up.

Wednesday was game night, it was tons of fun.. after we played games we went to our dorms and waited for our pizzas to get there, we got out the chocolate milk, we gathered 112 in two days, haha it was amazing!

During dinner on Wednesday I saw Kaytlin, she's someone from my ward and we were both surprise we were at the same efy, I didn't even know she was going to efy... she introduce me to her friend who's name is Mckenzi, (They go to the same school, I didn't learn that until later in the week)

Thursday was my favorite day of them all... we all dressed in church clothes and it was the day with the talent show, musical program, fireside and testimony meeting.
At the gospel study for that day, I asked a counselor if I could share a poem, she said yes so after we were done reading, she said I have something to share.. again all eyes on me I began to read it.

  ~Garden of Gethsemane~

Come see our savior
sorrowful is his soul
Tarry ye here, and watch with me

"Let this cup pass from me:
nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt"
Red poured down his mighty face
The pain he felt, the blood he bled

The agony he felt, for sins of mankind
Behold!, our beloved elder brother
In pain for our sins

He rose from his prayer
Sadness reach his face
his disciples sleepeth, " could ye not watch with me one hour?"
a second time, he went.

Tears come to me
This is my savior, and his suffering
For my very own sins

My elder brother
Arose, found his disciples heavy eyed
He stared, tears began to fall

He went a third time
His father’s will be done…
My savoir
Went to his disciples
Jesus started to weep

Disciples awoke
From his weeping
Their faces dazed

Continue to sleep, take your rest
The hour has come and the Son of God is about to be betrayed"
From what I saw, a lot of people were in tears.. a lot came up to me and thanked me for sharing that
At the musical program/fireside (We sang before fireside started), I messed up with my speaking part in the dress rehearsal.. I got nervous and stuttered, I got done speaking when the music started up, I felt like I would ruin the whole program to the point of asking if anyone else could do the speaking part... we went threw it a 2nd time and this time I did it.. ha everyone cheered, I thought it was cool.. when it was time for the real program I messed up but it was a little thing hardly anyone noticed.. I was on the wrong page, I quickly went to my page where my speaking part was on.. I got done right when the music started.. it was hard not to cry while singing and seeing pictures of Christ on the slideshow out of the corner of my eye.
When the choir went to sit down in our seats.. and listen to the fireside I cried many times listening to the talks, one was about the garden of Gethsemane, I reach in my pocket and grab out my poem.. I shared it with Spencer that day, he read it again and asked if he could pass it around (among us choir people).. when it got pass to me the guy on my left asked if I wrote it and thanked me for it, tears where in his eyes, and when we sang the efy medley, I started to cry.. Spencer  was there for me, he put his hand on my shoulder and we lean into a hug... when the song ended the fireside was done and it was time for testimony meeting.. a number of companies were in one room on the campus having their testimony meetings.. they called our company name.. soon it was Spencer's company which was called, we both stood up, gave each other a hug and he left.
the slideshow of the pictures of Jesus Christ was on, without the music.. I looked at it and began to cry, I felt the spirit so much

My company got called, so we started to leave.. Marcus is someone from my company.. he put his arm around my shoulder I did the same, we didn't spoke one word for the whole walk to the building where we had our testimony meeting.... I felt so much love from that it was unbelievable.
Me and Nathan when we were walking to get dinner before the musical program, we talked about the testimony meeting and we made a deal, if he goes up and bears his testimony.. I would go up, if I go up then he would.. we also  made a deal that each sunday we will go up in our wards and bear our testimony.. I need to start doing that again

So at testimony meeting he got up and bore his testimony.. I knew I had to go up, not cause he did.. because I needed to. I got up and told everyone how much I love my company.. in my testimony I said I told the guys in my company I have Asperger's Syndrome (The girls in my company didn't even know I have Asperger's)..  and that was very hard for me, I told them I had friends growing up but they all stop talking to me when they sense I was different, I belong to a priest quorum of 15 guys and only about 4 knew I have Asperger's.  I said I hardly told anyone I have Asperger's cause I don't want to be treated differently,  the whole time I was in tears, I could  barely look at anyone.. when I was done I went and sat down

After the meeting I receive a lot of hugs, people in my company, people out of it, the guys in my company were the last to leave the building.. we kept on hugging each other, it was very powerful, no one had dry eyes.

Friday evening we had the dance, a slideshow of the week, and two devotionals.. the first one included everyone in every company... 2nd was just companies devotional.. in closing we sang the efy medley.. this time I didn't cry much, but the young women in my company.. the beautiful daughters of God.. many were crying, half way threw the song, I reach in my pocket grab some tissue for the girl next to me.. when the song was done I was giving tissue to all of the girls.. one said "I want a group hug with Michael" 6-7 came in for the hug... it felt amazing, I loved giving the tissues to them.
I  received a lot of notes during Thursday and Friday. from just walking out of the building I received 3 notes.. it was unreal, I thought how could I impacted so many people
On the way to our dorm, the guys in my company we all put our arms on each other shoulders and sang hymns.. it was a powerful evening, once in my dorm I just sat by myself.. looking threw all of the notes, crying inside (Didn't want any of the guys to see me crying). I'm so grateful I could been there for people at efy.. this made me realize what I want to do when I grow up.. and what I believe is my "Mission" in life.. it's being there for people, being their light, the example they need, I want to be like John Bytheway, etc
I'm grateful that I was in the company, Great and Dreadful, I made a video for my company.. I hope you enjoy it also.

The life of Asperger's (At least for me)

Readers,

I would like to share with you  what Asperger's Syndrome is to me in my life
First of all, Asperger's is a high functioning autism 

As the title says (At least for me) the reason behind that is because people with Asperger's won't share 100% of the same  symptoms, two people aren't alike with Asperger's.

But in every case, you'll have someone who wants to be social (me) and people with Asperger's who are a bit of anti-social.
As I go on just   something you should know, someone with Asperger's is called an Aspie for short, and Asperger's Syndrome is refer to as AS.


Asperger's interests:   people with AS may develop an intense, almost obsessive, interest in a few areas, such as sports schedules, weather, or maps... my "obsessive" interest is World War Two, I love learning about it, last year for my birthday I only asked for ww2 books and that what I got, I got a couple in my room

Problems with social skills: people with AS generally have difficulty interacting with one another and are awkward in social situations. They generally do not make friends easily, it's hard to keep eye contact.. I don't even know how to explain it.. when I was younger I could not look someone in the eyes, now being 18 years old, I'm better with it, I can keep eye contact for a short amount of time, it gets better ever so often.

Many aspie teens   are enjoying each other's company through Internet chatrooms, forums and message boards, I have joined a message board myself and I did enjoy talking to people who could relate to me, how I was feeling etc.
In the teenage years the person may become acutely aware of a lack genuine friendship and exclusion from the social activities of their peers. They may become depressed
Another concern is an assumption made by the person with Asperger's Syndrome that if they like someone, then the other person has the same degree of commitment. They may not recognize the other person's signals of a casual or platonic friendships

Loneliness and friendships: Aspie teens typically become more isolated socially during a period when they crave friendships and inclusion more than ever, Aspies often face rejection, isolation and bullying
I never been bullied before but.. rejection, yes same with isolation
as Aspies go through adolescence, most realize that they are missing out by not fitting in. It is at this point in their lives that they crave friendships, yet this unfulfilled desire on top of high school pressure to conform, constant rejection and harassment can often cause clinical depression in Aspie teens. They grow more isolated even as they crave more interaction with others. Young Aspie children often believe everyone in their kindergarten is the same and everyone is a friend. Aspie teens know better... yes sadly we do know better once we're teens and look around at others.

many Aspies are too anxious to initiate social contact... there for I'm always the quiet one in the room, it takes time for me to feel comfortable with talking to someone, but once I get comfortable we have a good time talking. 

For years I have told myself I'm a freak "I don't get invited to parties cause i'm a freak" "No one really talks to me cause i'm a freak" etc.. I gave myself labels growing up as a teen was so hard.. but it's getting better.. and I have myself a label now, along with others.. and it's "A Child of God" we are all children of our Heavenly Father, don't forget that!... I had
Having Asperger's is very hard at times, and I wish I can live without it.. but something I have learn is it's who I am.. and I can't change that, I just wish I could be better with interacting with others
This video has helped me a lot, I watched it at a fireside when I was in the back of the room sitting by myself