I had lost the "motivation" to write, I haven't blog for a couple of weeks.. but as I sit here now and write out the words I cannot help but give a smile. I miss writing and seeing my words come to life as I type on my keyboard.
With that being said, I looked back at some old chats I had with people I knew during the years 2008-2010, I just had to look at a few to realize how bad I was with conversations, even with them being through computer screens.
At the time, I thought the conversations were great and I was communicating with people, me... Michael, was actually talking to people.
People with Aspergers tend to not know how to interact with others that good, they don't know how to be social. I've read a lot of articles on Aspergers.
"What do you like to do during your free time?"
Me: Oh, I like to read articles about Aspergers" hah, but all jokes aside, when I'm having one of those days with AS and just feel alone and so disconnected from people. I read about Aspergers, so I can better understand how and why I feel the way I do, and realize I'm not the only one who feel this way.
and a lot of them I've read.. it always talk about how when someone with AS is in the company of another, like when they're kids at a park or something, the kid with AS would be so happy to play with someone else, but have no idea how or what to do.
I was the same with conversations, I was so glad I had somebody to talk to, but from reading those conversations, I came off as a bit... weird, could of come off as annoying too, this one person, I was looking at our Facebook chats and it was basically me just talking without a filter, I would say anything and everything, and in turn, it would end the little friendships I had stumbled across, each time I would say something, the response of the other would get shorter and shorter... until there was nothing left.
People with AS don't get social cues, but for me, I didn't even understood them from over a screen. For an example, I'll change the first person name and name1 and name2 are brother and sisters anyways. enjoy the bad conversation ha.
me: John?
John: Michael?
me: yes?
John: I don't know... you started it...
me: ok well do u know where name1 and name2 are?
John: Probably at their house.
What do you mean?
Oh, or at mutual still.
me: cuz i gave them a email weeks ago
John: Oh, try again.
Or maybe give them a call.
me: and i called them cuz name1 could go to dances. and no one is home
John: Probably just e-mail again.
me: ok
John: I saw them both yesterday.
me: really?
that cool
I don't know if they know i know you
so your like Name1's cousin?
John: Yes I am.
me: i thought so
John: Have been for 5 years.
me: cool
John: (Actually his whole life...)
me: cool
I can't help but cringe when I read over this. hahaha. Also, might I just add, when I first said the names for 1&2 to "John" I put they're last names for each name of the brother and sister...
This was back in 2008 I was 15, also I'm still friends with this "John" person
As if the first example wasn't enough to win you over, this one might just do it..
I was still 15 and I had met this one girl at a youth dance, *Name has changed to Sarah*
Sarah had invited me over to hang out in her circle of friends, the youth and YSA dances always have circles of friends just throughout the dance floor, anyways.. this happened for a couple of dances, I thought that she liked me, here is something I read in an article years ago
"Another concern is an assumption made by the person with Asperger's Syndrome that if they like someone, then the other person has the same degree of commitment. They may not recognize the other person's signals of a casual or platonic friendships"
Of course now, I know the difference, but back then, I liked her, so she liked me too right?
basically, if anyone would talk to me, weather male or female, I would get excited and think we're friends, because they're talking to me, when most people wouldn't, I don't even recall any conversation me and Sarah had. we only talked at dances, so I don't have the chats somewhere on gmail, facebook etc.
and then I went to a rodeo... *Plays dramatic sound effect* there were some cowgirls there who were giving autographs, one of them had the same name as Sarah, so I got one autograph from her, and asked her to sign it for a "Sarah". the next dance I gave it to Sarah. Needless to say, that was the last time we talked, and I can see why now. that was so creepy, stupid and weird. hahah, but it is laughable now, back then I was heart-broken, I had just lost a friend, and I did not know why.
I've found 6 emails I sent to this "Sarah" person. one day I sent 3 emails, two of the three emails I sent in same day, were less then 10mins apart. I never got a reply back, one email reads "Would it Be Ok If I Ask You For ur phone Number? so if i'm going somewhere with my family (not a Trip) i can see if u can come with me?"
Another emails reads "i'm at a place call Smoovie it's a place where u can get Smoothies and play Games. theres a Wii and PS2 and Xbox 360 (right now i'm having a Smoothie!) so how is ur day today?"
I must admit though, smoovie was a pretty cool place, me and my brothers went there a couple times.
Yep, those were pretty weird, but I was just so overly excited that I had made a "friend" and wanted to talk, but had no clue how to, even though then, I thought what I was saying at the time were great and what friends talk about.
This is basically how I was like. (expect for the very end)
Now years later, my conversations both face and screen are a lot better, that is, if the person I'm talking to I feel comfortable with, and gotten to known.
In 2014, when I was at a YSA Branch dinner, I was sitting at a table and people were talking, and someone then said "Michael, you've been in the branch for over a year and I know nothing about you" something along those lines, A part of me said in my mind "I'm afraid with what I would say"
I just agreed and we all laughed together. you see, back then in my teen years, I learn what I would say wasn't good for being social, so I just didn't say anything, it was less-hurt if I would just stay silent instead of speak and make small friendships which would crash in the sea of socially
One good thing with being a quiet person. is playing Mafia. someone accuse me of being the Mafia because I'm quiet and haven't said anything playing. I then say "Yeah?, and when do I ever talk?" then we just all laugh... and then I just "kill" the person who accused me, because... I was the Mafia the whole time ;). hahahaha
One friend I had, even though we would talk on gmail a good number of Sundays, when I was 15 and our conversations were still cringe-able atleast for me, looking back at now. but at church we would talk about getting on gchat at the same time to talk, and we did. Back then, I would hardly talk in person, it'd be small conversations, but talking through the screens were better at the time.I even told him that I have Aspergers Syndrome over gchat. I remember when he called me one day to talk on the phone. I thought that was the weirdest thing ever. somebody wanted to talk to me on the phone?, and then when I was 17-18 and he was 19, leaving to go on his mission in a few days. He came over to my house to talk and say goodbye. My first time having someone come over just to talk to me, no one else and that was one of the weirdest things ever too.
Ending this post on a good note. me and that friend still talk today, there were also some others from my ward who I would talk to and I really appreciate it. I'm also thankful for every single friend I have at the branch (and others who don't go to the branch) who I talk to, some goes off to school, and somehow I make some new friends in the branch each time. and if your someone who goes to the branch and I don't talk to often. I am sorry, I wish it was easier to talk.
Also, I see what happened in the past as something funny to look at, I have matured socially, I know what is right to say vs what isn't now. but I still struggle with talking to some. I built a wall around me, and now I need to work at tearing it down. I built it because of the hurt I would get of fail friendships at my end. I can't really blame anyone for stop talking to me, I understand why they stopped all communication. Some friends have helped with tearing the wall down, but a good chunk still stands, it'd be gone at some point though :).
If you think of it, everyone has they're own walls, what is yours?
