The Lost Connection, I Can't Read You.

Hey, this post will be quite funny, some parts may get a bit "creepy", but just grab your popcorn and enjoy.

We all know I have Aspergers, with Aspergers I can't read body/facial language... I can't read the built in language

What does that mean?.. well... it means I don't know anything about body/facial  language, if you're trying to send clues of wanting to change subject, or something like that, if I been talking about a certain topic for awhile and you're tried of hearing it, I won't catch onto your  majestic language hahaha.... :p....

Oh man, just imagine flirting and someone giving me the "clues/moves" that they actually like me. If that would even happen?, hahaha, if it does even happen, I won't noticed it.

You might be thinking that nonverbal communication isn't really that important, that you'll be able to live without it... well..

" How much of communication is really nonverbal?

One of the most frequently quoted statistics on nonverbal communication is that 93% of all daily communication is nonverbal. Popular science magazines, students and media outlets frequently quote this specific number.

So where does the number come from? Dr. Albert Mehrabian, author of Silent Messages, conducted several studies on nonverbal communication. He found that 7% of any message is conveyed through words, 38% through certain vocal elements, and 55% through nonverbal elements (facial expressions, gestures, posture, etc).  Subtracting the 7% for actual vocal content leaves one with the 93% statistic.

However, studying human behavior is a challenging task. The inherent flaws of social scientific research methodology combined with the incredible dynamic nature of human behavior make this specific quantification close to impossible.

The fact of the matter is that the exact number is irrelevant. Knowing that communication is specifically 75% nonverbal or 90% nonverbal holds no practical applications. The important part is that most communication is nonverbal. In fact, nonverbal behavior is the most crucial aspect of communication.

Based on my own research, I would state that the amount of communication that is nonverbal varies between 60 and 90% on a daily basis.  This number depends on both the situation and the individual."

^ The study

Well... crap... 60 to 90% on a daily basis. How can anyone live without feeling totally... disconnected with people?, easy answer, they don't. even with my friends who I crack jokes with

My friend Levi is a good example, I crack jokes with him a lot, I give him a lot of smart alec comments which we'll just laugh about. but at the end of the day, I am still missing the full connection.

That is why I like texting or facebook.. there is no body/facial expressions, just words, no eye contact, I also like talking to people in person because.. it's just nice. the online friends I have told about me and Aspergers, are always like "But you don't seem like nothing is wrong with you" which is because we just talk through a screen, if we were in person, they would be able to pick it up quite quickly.

A few weeks ago my sister who's 16, will be 17 next month, anyways. she was... giving me a test
She would display facial expressions and have me guess what they were, If the "test" had a grade, it would be a F-. I got about 2 right out of... a lot.. :p.

I thought "Confused" was "Concerned" and so on, the only two I got right were Happy, and Sad.
So great, I'll know if you're happy or sad, but in between, heck to the no.

Me and my same sister went and got frozen yogurt a few months ago, and we were sitting in the car. she told me *About the cashier*  "You can tell everything about that person, just by his facial expressions" I looked.. a few seconds later I said "Nope :|" she asked why and I simply said "Aspergers" and we both laughed.

Alright, now to get into the "creepy" part of this post. when I'm watching a Movie/TV/Youtube (Mainly just Youtube, because I do that by myself, vs watching movies with people)  and I'm looking at people faces.. I pause, go back and watch their faces again, I repeat this time after time, just last night I did it about 7-10 times on just one person and his facial expression. I would pause it right at his face, and I would try to "study" it, I would look everywhere on his face. after the 10th try, I just gave up and let the video go on.

If I could have some sort of power, that'd be it.. to freeze time, I would just look at all of your faces closely, and try to figure it out, try to study it, to even see if I could tell anything about it.
You can't just go up to people and be like "Let me study your face, don't move" because not only would that be insanely creepy... well yeah, it'd just be creepy, let leave it at that, haha.

To end this blog post, I'm glad I can share my experience with Aspergers, that I'm more open about it with people, it's apart of me, and I have been more accepting of it myself as the years go on.




                              Endure to the end, stay strong in the Gospel and you won't regret it

My Life With Stuttering

Well here we go, stuttering.. that's a pretty big part of me, isn't it?... in a way I suppose ha

Imagine waking up one day, and having trouble speaking, you stutter every few words at times, you need to take in a breath and relax to even have a conversation, if not then you stutter worse, trying to push those words through.

Well.. I guess if you just woke up one day like that, vs me who was born this way, it would probably be a pretty hard life transition, and you'll be freaking out... hah...

Many of you have already heard me talk. amazing isn't it?, being quiet like myself, haha. When I was younger, my stutter was a lot worse, maybe that's another reason why I'm pretty quiet now?, that and having trouble socially because of Aspergers haha... but yeah, when someone ask what's my name, it  gets to me and I'm always like "M--M--Mi---Mich---Michael" a couple of times, people have said my name wrong after I said it. I just go with it instead of correcting them, if I'm not going to see this person again, why can't I use some another name for that day?. haha...

This doesn't happen much anymore, but when I was younger... oh man, it was the most annoying thing ever. I would be talking to someone at church and once I was done saying something, they would say something back.. you know, like how most conversations go right?. well and what they would say in responds had nothing to do with what I said, or I'll be asking like a yes or no type question, and the person didn't understand me, so he/she would just be like "Yeah" and nod their head in agreement ha.

My mom has told me, sometime after I had learn how to talk, I just stopped talking altogether. because I knew I was saying words wrong, I knew people weren't really understanding me, so I just pointed and said very few words. I didn't start to actually talk that much until I was like 5.
I was in this one program for kids before they were old enough for pre-school, with learning disabilities, I still remember some of it. anyways we did a field trip one day and got a pumpkin because Halloween was coming up

I don't remember this at all, but my mom has told me that after the trip I was upset and tried telling her what happened. She couldn't understand what I was saying. probably the only time she ever didn't know what I was saying. a few days later, one of the teachers told her what I was upset about. I think it had something to do with someone taking a pumpkin I had picked out and wanted. Dang you Jimmy.... (Just kidding, I don't remember the kid's name ha)

Yeah... my stutter was so bad that my mom didn't even knew what I was saying, and she had always knew what I was saying, vs my siblings (When we were pretty young)

When I was 12 or 13, I went to a youth activity and there was this new kid there... I remember that we were talking and the whole ride home I was so excited because he understood... he understood what I was saying. I went to my mom and I was like "There's someone that can actually understands me!"

You probably know this already, but people who stutter, don't stutter when they sing, so when I was younger I would sing in the house, just because when I was singing it came out clear vs talking.
That's probably why I like to sing in church ha.


I was in speech therapy for 12 years, when I was older, I hated going to those.

But yeah.. I still stutter today, when I'm talking to new people, or people who I'm not that comfortable around yet. I still stutter when I tell people what my name is, still stutter when I try to say hi to people. but it isn't bad like it used to be.. it is much better, and I'm grateful for that
Like last week, I was nervous before the lesson, I then got comfortable, I only stutter on some words.

That's why I like writing and having a blog, but I also want to be a speaker to the youth.. and I'll be able to do that. might be hard at first, but I'll get comfortable with it.

scripture time.. hah...

 Exodus 4:10-12 "And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.
And the Lord said unto him, Who hath made man’s mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the Lord?"

Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."


                          Endure to the end, stay strong in the Gospel and you won't regret it

My Goal With Being A Speaker To The Youth

Hey, it's that time of the week again.. so.. hello :D..

One of my dreams in life has been to be a EFY Counselor, and then to be a speaker to the youth within the church. It would just be amazing to be a speaker such as John Bytheway or Hank Smith and so on.

When I went to my last efy as a youth in 2011, the feeling of being a speaker was stronger then before.

Even though I want to be a speaker... there's something you do as a speaker... you speak.
I wondered how could I be as funny as Bytheway and Hank, control the room, make people laugh, have people learn, have the spirit set in and so on.

This past Sunday, I taught in gospel principles, there were about 10-15 people in the room, the lesson was on the gift of the holy ghost. I was nervous before hand, because I had taught in that class before, only 3 times and personally, I didn't do good. But this Sunday... it was awesome.

Before I started the class, I said that I have Aspergers Syndrome, I explained what it was, and I said that it's hard to keep eye contact, so if you're giving a comment/thought, please know it's not you, it's me. then I laughed and everyone else laughed.

I started the lesson, I would ask some questions, people answered with their experiences, their thoughts and so on, I would look at some of the notes I came up with and would use them

During the lesson, I noticed, my voice was echoing in the small room, so I just stopped talking and said "It's echoing in this room..." and then we all laughed.

The whole time giving this lesson, I felt comfortable, I brought the spirit into the room as I was giving this lesson, I shared some of my own experiences about the Holy Ghost. I even wrote a poem to go along with the lesson, which you can read at the end of this post.

It was just a perfect lesson. later that night I thought about my goal of being a speaker to the youth.. and for the first time, I could actually really picture myself being there, teaching.

I had also thought that my speech would get in the way of being a speaker. but I had only stuttered a couple of times from giving this lesson. I just felt really comfortable and that "I can do this"
I'm thankful that I told Levi I wouldn't mind giving a lesson sometime (His the branch missionary leader) so he picks who to give the lesson.

It looks like my friend Paul's words were right..

"Your doubt only slows you down.
He put you here to make a difference.
You need to believe in yourself in order to make that difference."

Even though speaking in front of the youth will have a lot more people then 10-15, I know I'll be able to do it now.


I can't wait for the years ahead, and I'm excited to teach in the class again.

I also used this video in my lesson 

 It's a reversed poem, so once you get to the bottom, read it again from bottom going back to the top

The still small voice, people say
Quietly spoken, a burning fire within
Stay close to His guidance, that he won't go away
A warmth rushing through your skin

He bears comfort, in the ups and downs
Bears witness of the Father and His Son
He's there to protect us. Listen to his sounds
Through him, we can be guided to help loved ones

By the laying on of hands
We received this gift
He helps us to follow God's plans
The light of Christ helps to lift

By him, I can stand and say I believe
Through my testimony, I know this is true
By everything I've received
This feeling is true
The still small voice, people say

                      Endure to the end, stay strong in the Gospel and you won't regret it

Birthday Weekend

Hey everyone, this weekend was pretty great, my friend Brittion who I met at efy in 2011 and only talked to a couple of times at efy, but we got to know each other a lot since efy, came and visited me for my birthday weekend. ha it was pretty great

My friend Levi helped and drove to Spokane to pick Brittion from the airport with me

Brittion kind of convince me into getting a haircut hah :p (The woman in this picture was the person who cut my hair, she's pretty cool, she seen me in Craft Warehouse (Where I work) while I was working ha.
 

 

The weekend was a lot of fun, at first I was kind of worry with how I'll do with having him here and me having Aspergers, would there be a lot of awkward silence?, but there wasn't that much, we talked a lot and just hang out 

On Saturday we got the haircut, I also had a group of friends and went to watch the Avengers movie, that was fun as well, sometime after that, Me Brittion and my friend Sydney went and had dinner before the YSA  regional activity, which was a barn dance

That was pretty fun as well, haha at one point, everyone sang happy birthday to me, a lot of people there so it was all loud ha, Brittion said  the look on my face looked like I was going to throw up ha :p 

I was like "Dang.. this is a lot of people..." I didn't know what to do so I just looked around ha :pp, it was a good evening though ha

Here's a picture of the YSA dance, there were more people outside too, we had about 200 people there, so yeah.. what would you've done with having 200 people sing happy birthday to you?, hahaha

On a note from Sunday during Sacrament meeting, the Elder Quorum (Basically just every guy from the branch)  were asked to sing "Where Can I Turn For Peace?" three weeks ago,  when we first went over the song.. it did not sound good at all, ha.. next week it sounded better, then this last Sunday, when we sang it in Sacrament meeting, it sounded amazing, I loved it, I was able to feel the spirit during it, I wish I could re-listen to it.

 it was so good ha :P

I'm thankful for every friend I have, you are all amazing. Thanks for being my friend and talking to me

Endure to the end, stay strong in the Gospel and you won't regret it

Working Out Update and Making First Impressions

Working out has been going great, I will reach 100+ miles this week and it has only been about 8-9 days biking, crazy huh?. this will be the last time I share the total miles, until I am all the way finished, just to make it a real big surprise. Also on Friday I was able to bike 15 miles in the same amount of time I biked 13, so that was awesome!, I haven't done it since then, my legs have been killing.. they might go to jail soon, which would suck.. could someone bail them out please? hahaha

This is what I have been eating. in the mornings I have a shake, the days I go into work then head to gym right after work, I take a low-fat yogurt and eat that before heading to the gym, I also bring a bag of carrots which I eat after I finished working out while I wait for the bus, then once i'm home I either make a salad (No ranch dressing) I use some healthier kind and it taste pretty good, or I make some tomato soup and two chicken breasts. then if I'm hungry a couple of hours later, I have a protein bar, then make something for dinner.

Getting the membership is a big step for actually being able to lose the weight, I have tried to lose weight in the past, and I did actually, the most I ever lost was when I was 18 and working towards getting mission ready, I lost 40 pounds, but things came up, moving and got out of the habit, now I'm paying for the membership and don't really want to waste my money, so.. ha.


This is going to be an awesome week, it is my birthday on the 31st, I'm getting a group of friends together to go watch the Avengers movie, and then later that evening is a YSA activity, which is a barn dance, so that'd be pretty cool. Also a good friend of mine who I met at efy in 2011 is flying on Friday and staying for my birthday weekend!, ha how awesome is that?
I hope to be able to take pictures of the weekend so I can share them for next week's post.


I want to talk about first impressions, people say first impressions are everything.
I've realize that I'm not good with first impressions. people may think I'm to quiet, I don't look them in the eyes while talking, I move my hands around my face as I talk to some people, when I'm nervous I mess around with my wrist watch. I'm not much of a talker in groups. I have my moments, a few weeks ago at a YSA BBQ a friend of mine was talking about getting her nails done, I pulled my hands out of my pockets and said "Oh I need to get my nails done too!" said in a jokingly way, the group of friends laughed, I laughed as well. but 90% of the time I just listen. I'm a lot better with one on one conversations, but it's also hard for me to go up and be the first one to talk.

I've noticed there have been some people from the branch who say hi to me, and talk a little with me, but I'm still not "at the point" when I feel comfortable going up to them and talking first, and by doing this, it may drive them away because their trying to talk to me but I may seem to be "avoiding them"

Like just yesterday, my YSA Branch was doing a BBQ/Swim activity, I walked around, listened in of a group talking, walked around again,  because I felt awkward just standing by the group not talking, then I just stood by myself and  I was just noticing how everyone was talking to each other, I thought how is that possible?.. how are they doing it?, why can't I be like them?

Ah, what a life of being an introvert and having Aspergers, hahah, but it's my life.
It likes I want to be social, but I don't know how. I guess I just need to work on it, work on at least trying to say "Hi" first. it's a two letter word, you'll think it'd be easy enough, right? haha
That is my challenge for this week, to try to talk first, we'll see how it goes :D.



                          Endure to the end, stay strong in the Gospel and you won't regret it

How I Began Writing Poetry

Hey guys, well guess what?... I got my gym membership this last Thursday.

So now you'll finally be hearing about my weight loss on this blog and not just experiences I've been in and about Asperger's.  which is good, it's good to share my experiences from my life, to let people see how my life was for me in my eyes.

But I'm excited to be doing some posts about my progress with losing the weight,

Within three days of working out, I biked 40 miles, I'm going to keep track of every mile, it'd be good to keep track for progress and just for when I'm a speaker for the youth and so on.

Well, that about sums up for the working out, for now. so I'll share about me and poetry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I started writing back in 2010, I had barely turned 17, if you all remember, I was 16 when my breaking point had happened. I started to write, to get emotions out, they started out as long umm stories?

I'll give an example of one of my first stories.
It was titled "The Lonely Guy" It was about a guy in a class,  it started as someone noticing this guy was alone in the classroom, from this person point of view, seeing that he was alone, everyone else in the  class didn't want anything to do with him, and this person was debating weather or not  to go sit by him. the story then switches to the perspective of this lonely guy, and then switches back again to this person, the person was saying in his/her head that their friends don't talk to this guy, why should he/she start talking to this guy, what would my friends think? etc. at the end, the guy had some tears fell down as he got up, this person saw something fall down, so he/she went over to the chair and noticed there was a single tear drop on the chair, as lonely as the guy. It ended with that metaphor.

I then started to shorten them into free verse poetry (non-rhyming) I would write sad poetry and "loveish" type poems. I would share my poetry with some of my friends, and they all asked me how long have I been writing for?.. I would say "Uh.. that's my first poem" and they'd be amazed and say they would of guessed I have been writing for years. I guess it was just one of those hidden talents, huh?.  I now try to write in rhymes

I remember at a youth dance, I was sitting with a guy I knew and showed him one of my poems called "Broken Heart" haha, he loved it and shared it around with some of his friends, a girl was like "O my gosh, this is so sad, did this actually happened to you?" I said no, that I just wrote it. ha..

My poems were all sad ones, they were never happy, they were all pretty dark and deep.
At one point two of my friends had brought it up, and asked if I could try maybe writing more happier poems, that was when I wrote the "lovey dovely" poems hah... I had a couple of online friends who shared those poems with their girlfriends. haha..

I'll show you guys one of my sad poems at the end of this post.

I then kinda stopped writing altogether, I thought my poems suck, I was hard on myself with my writing, I didn't really understood how people could possible like my poems.
I was on and off with writing, in 2011 I wrote my first "churchy" poem about the Garden of Gethsemane. I had asked Sister Davidson if I could share that poem in class, somebody needed to see me during the class, so by the time I got back, the poem had already been given. I didn't really saw what everyone thought of it.

A month or so ago, I was getting ready to send a good friend of mine who's on her mission a letter. I mentioned the poem and she said she would love it if I could send a copy of that as well, she said she remembered when it was shared in class and that "It was awesome :)"

A week after it was shared in class, I went to EFY, one of the days I shared it and after I was done, I looked around my company and a lot of them were speechless and none of them (The ones I did saw) had dried eyes. hahah.... I also shared some of my lovely dovely poems to some of the girls in my group and one said "chills ran down her spine" because they were so good :p

During the fireside on Thursday night at efy, after the musical program which I was apart of, I gave the poem to my friend who was sitting next to me, he asked if he could pass it around the choir people, I said yes and it went around in a full circle, once it got back to me, the guy sitting on my right asked if I wrote it, he said it was really good, and thanked me for writing it.

Since then I have started to write some more church base poetry. I have been in a talent show at a YSA activity last year May 31st (It was also my birthday, it was a fun day)

I don't write anymore sad poetry, mostly church poems now, in the past I have also written two poems about sidewalk chalk and the sunset, the sunset poem is actually a reversed poem, when you read it normal, then once your at the bottom, you re-read it from bottom back to the top.

writing is a great gift I'm thankful for.

Here's the poem titled "The Eyes"

Look at my smile
You'll see a shining youth
You'll see a young man
You'll see everything good

Listen to my laugh
You'll hear how calm it sounds
The laugh will bring you joy
Warm your hearts

Turn your head upon my eyes
Don't you see the pain?
Notice how I hide
By my smile and laugh

For the sorrow
Do I keep
Locked inside
Hurt do I feel

By the rejection
Being judge
Having the shameful,
label

Wishing upon a brighten star
Father, change me please
For I am going insane
With the person I became

My eyes, no tears shell pass
There isn't any.... not anymore
For the pain, over the years
Dried them up

My eyes, shining into yours
For hope of welcome, no more rejection
For I don't know, what I'll do
If rejection comes

Hide myself upon this night
In the woods do I walk
The deathly hallows
Do they scream..
Screaming for me

I must never give in
No matter how they yell
I'm standing here
On the path to the hallows

Dear God, take me away
Give me no more rejections
But give me welcome
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                               Endure to the end, stay strong in the Gospel and you won't regret it