A Silence Mouth

When I was learning how to talk, I knew I wasn't saying the words right, my mom said I stopped talking all together and didn't talk that much until I was 5...

I've said what's above once or twice on my blog.

But... a couple of days ago I made the realization that once I knew what I would say was dumb, or weird because of Aspergers, (Not because of my stutter^) I began to not talk even more. yes I am a introvert, and that adds into not being that out going.

For an example though.. that one time when I was on a camp out, and said how I have a good habit of brushing my teeth everyday. that had nothing to do with being an introvert, but did have everything to do about having Aspergers. I wanted to be apart of the conversation, I just didn't know how to be, so I blurted out that.

So once I realize what I would say was weird, I just... stopped talking to a point. If someone would ask me a question, I would answer. but being in classes at church, if the teacher asked a question, I would answer it in my own head, without saying it out loud, and someone else would actually say it.

As I'm writing this post, a memory came to mind of this one time, when I was a older primary kid, two girls were talking and one said something how her cousin Mike got married.

Me thinking it would be funny, because I had the same name, I said "Oh yeahhh" or "You betcha" I guess it wasn't that funny to them, but more weird. hahaha

This is where it gets to be a problem, after years of being afraid of what I would say, that turned into a habit of hardly talking. As with any habit, it's hard to break, I'm not really afraid of what I would say now, because I've learn what is acceptable and what isn't. but from this habit, I closed my lips

I would tell myself, people don't want to hear what I had to say, I don't want to try to join a conversation, just for me to crash and burn. I didn't want to talk, just in case I would say something slightly weird. It got to the point... instead of not wanting people to hear what I had to say, I didn't want myself to hear what I had to say.

When I was around 12 years old or so, we had the Missionaries over for dinner, and I remember talking to this one Elder, I had no problem talking to him. He said something how it's nice to talk to people. I got the impression that before his mission, he didn't talked a whole lot.

I long for the day, when talking just comes natural to me, not just when I'm talking to my friends. being an introvert I will still need my alone time, to relax, and take a breath. after being around people for so long. but I wish to be able to commentate with people still and I'll get there.

So I think that having this habit, has caused me to not be that talkative. but I'll be able to break it.
I think it's kinda funny, with how observant I was/am. I noticed I wasn't saying the words right, with how people would say them, so I stopped talking.. I noticed what I would say would be weird, so I stopped talking to a certain extent.

But yeah, that's about it for this post, was just something I thought about recently so I figured I should share it on my blog.